Over the past couple of years I've been fighting against bipolar which has taken massive amounts of energy from my daily reserve, because of this I have hd very little time to have the luxury of listening to my own body and mind and hearing what they actually want.
Then I had my breakdown. A few days of suicidal thoughts interspersed with uncontrollable sobbing and exhaustion. I had hit rock bottom and I knew I needed help.
After a month or two getting the dosage right, I'm now medicated daily to keep all my internal moods in check and I feel a scary reality has surrounded me.
Its like its been waiting patiently for years for me to have the mental and emotional strength to deal with it. And the reality is that I'm not happy with my life where it stands at the moment.
So, in what ways am I not happy? Well, I feel that I've missed much of my 20s. Even though I'm only 29 years old now, I feel like I've skipped my 30s too. I feel like I'm stuck in middle life, with a job that pays bills, living in an area that I don't belong in, and acting out the character of the "happy married man".
I have tried to stimulate my life in the directions I wish to pursue - whether they be something as simple as being spontaneous, or something more complex like obtaining a circle of friends (I currently don't have friends outside of work). But all these attempts were in vain. It was never to be because those around me, despite their initial enthusiasm, set too many boundaries, rules and regulations upon my wants and needs, that I found myself sinking back into the submissive role of the "nice married man" that I acted out.
Can I act forever? No. And I can feel my costume is coming apart at the seams as I type.
It used to be easy: wake up, say that you are happy and smile a lot. Go to work and repeat the smiling happy face. Come home, and do it again. This would be interspersed with me being flashed around to my wife's co-workers and friends like a trophy. Only you need to look after a trophy. After a while, if all you do is show it off, the shine starts to fade. The bling stops blinging. And once that happens, you realise that the gold cup trophy is just that - an empty cup. A void surrounded by once shiny material.
But these last couple of months, the claity and focus have gotten sharper. I'm realising that I'm not happy with where I am emotionally. Unfortunately, the only way to move ahead is to demolish someone else's happiness.
Is my happiness of greater value than someone else's? Possibly. It depends upon who you ask.
If you asked the woman who's heart I am going to have to destroy in order to get where I need, then no. I'm sure she would suggest a "last try". But if you ask a logical person, with no emotions involved in the decision making process, then yes, it most likely is of greater value to me. And that's the thing, because there are so many different viewpoints in all of this chaos, there are equally as many versions of worth placed upon all the parts involved in the chaos.
Will I make the break? This isn't a yes/no question as far as I'm concerned. Its simply something that has to be done. I just can't carry on living in a scenario where I'm not happy, where pretty much every smile I make is a facade.
I do love my wife, but love can never be (and shouldnt be) strong enough to do away with all your personal dreams and desires in order to satisfy the other person completely. If you are not happy, then what is the point in love?
I know its not going to be easy in any way. But talking and brainstorming about it all (like in this medium) only serves to strengthen and enforce the only choice that is the right one, the logical one and the best one for me.
I only hope the conversation, when it happens, goes as smoothly as this post.
Don't waste your life, best regards
Mark
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