Monday, October 17, 2011

12 months is a long time..

A lot can happen in a year.

Certainly I'd forgotten about this blog in that time and only really became reminded of it after happening to get an email about how many visitors I've gotten in the last week or so. I can't believe that people are still reading this after over twelve months of silence from me.

I had got to he point where I didn't really want to share everything with everyone in the world, but, then again I guess that we all go through times like that now and again.

So, back in September last year I made the last post and didn't really sign off at all from you all. I can only apologise for just vanishing, but things change in people's lives at times, and that change hit me too.

I managed to fight through the crappy stage of unemployment that I was sort of going through back then and got myself a real job in Feb this year. So I now work within the financial sector. I'm still kind of finding my feet in the new environment, but I'm paid well for what I do and hope to be moving into other areas of the business at some point.

Certainly this new found economic freedom has allowed me to relax a fair amount about life and have found that this has enabled me to focus on other things that I can change.. A main one of these is the medication levels I've been on for years for my bipolar.

As I've mentioned previously, the medications that I take are quite toxic to the liver and cause other problems such as lowered libido and reduced ability to be able to get, and sustain, erections.

So, its with some pleasure that I can say that I've weened down on the medications to the point where I've now been off them for about a week or so. With no real massive side effects. I can certainly feel my temper is a bit closer to reach the limits of, but that's something that I just need to work on more to control. Its not something that is completely out of reach, anx with fdoll by my side, I see no reason why I can't master that part of my life meaning I can finally be free of medications (not counting any sudden jaunts that may happen from time to time).

So, that's basically where I am at the moment, so I intend to give more updates in the future and hopefully also bring in my other interests into this blog.

Maybe, after being so long my Secrets Of Darkness, its almost like there is some light at the end of the tunnel..

Talk soon

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wanting To Share

What the hell is this shit? Two posts in under a week? Holy hairy mother of fuck. What could be so important that I need to write again?

Well, to answer that question I need to refer back to the last post. Where I was complaining about that friend and his nature. It really wound me up yesterday, just thinking about the whole thing. I guess I’m anticipating a total meltdown on my part this coming Friday at the party. It’s not that I actually want to go postal, just sometimes a thought gets jammed in my head like a splinter and I just can’t shake it.

It went around and around in my mind, all the things that might happen that will piss me off, and that then started to piss me off to the point that I started to get one of my headaches. It got worse and worse and sent me into a bit of a bender. I got home and got into bed (at about 4:30 in the afternoon). I ended up tucking myself in and being asleep by 7pm. Waking up a few times during the evening and night and finding that my head was still pounding.

Before I actually went to sleep, I found myself doing something that I do whenever I get irate over things with someone – I cull them from my Facebook friends list. (This could, quite possibly, be the reason why my friends list is completely tiny compared to most people’s.)

I deleted the friend that was plaguing my mind, and also someone else added through this friend that I don’t really know anyway. I guess me reasoning behind it is that, sometimes, I want to be able to have a rant on my status field on Facebook. To say openly what is on my mind. It’s still quite a new thing for me to be able to be so open about my feelings and emotions, and I’m finding that FB is a really good outlet to let those people that care about me know that something is a little bit askew. It also serves to be invaluable as a tracking tool to see how my moods are going. The only problem with that, of course, being that if I am inhibited in what I can write due to the people that may see it, it means that my moods always look chipper and happy in hindsight. And that is a Bad Thing.

I know, from when I first met this friend, that he has major issues with (what he terms) “Swingers”. Now, I don’t see myself and fdoll as that at all – that’s a subculture of the kink scene, but swingers are usually in different events to the SM group. I must explain at this point that one of my fantasies, as I’ve brushed upon previously, is to share fdoll around with other men. To watch her get gangbanged perhaps, things like that. This friend, however, in talks we’ve had one-on-one has passed judgment upon “those kinds” of people. I’ve never openly admitted what I would like to do with fdoll to him, but it’s quite clear that he would have a freak out about it.

And that’s the issue, I think, that nags at me during the SM party when he’s there. I crave to drag fdoll up to one of the playrooms and share her around with strangers while I watch (and then fuck the living shit out of her afterwards), but there’s that horrible feeling that, at any second, he might walk in and either want to take part (I just couldn’t take that) or start into a lecture about why it shouldn’t be happening.

Ah well, my coffee appears to be empty, and my netbook battery is slowly dying. Best I walk home from the café , charge up and upload this to the blog.

Just one last thing: Someone in the Sydney, Australia gay/kink scene passed away last weekend and, although I didn’t personally know her, the news has personally touched those who knew her (fdoll being one, as well as some friends of ours). As far as I can tell, Mandy Rollins was much loved as a friend, DJ and all round party person. I can tell from the Facebook messages that she will be missed dearly by those around her. Mandy, may you find whatever peace you seek, wherever you are.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Kink parties without the kink

Fuck you! It’s been a while since I posted a blog update. So what? What are you gonna do about it???

Ok, perhaps I should explain that start. I was up last night, unable to get to sleep for quite some time while fdoll slept away next to me in bed. So, I thought, why don’t I do a blog update? So I tried and it was the biggest pile of typed shit I’ve ever spat out. Literally 5-6 full paragraphs on how I always seem to start a blog update with “sorry for the break in updates” or “it’s been a while”. I was trying to work out through all those paragraphs the reasons on why I have such breaks in communications from time to time (ok, most of the time) and I think I started to get to a point – much like now – in that sometimes time just disappears for me. Almost like I go into a stasus (to use a sci-fi term) for a week here and there. For example, last week, the whole seven days seemed to occur within a 2 or 3 day period for me. Great on those occasions when you are really getting pissed off with how the week is going but, unfortunately, I don’t seem to have full control over it like that.

The month since our regular fetish party has basically passed and it’s happening again this Friday night. I’m looking forward to it as I always do, but I think I do need to explain a slight uncertainness I have for these nights lately. We started taking along a friend of ours (originally just a friend of fdoll’s) who isn’t really into the whole fetish scene. He doesn’t really get a lot of sexual action (to put it bluntly) and taking him to these events was meant to loosen him up and get him into a scene where people are more open about, well, getting some play. The problem is, from how I see it, is that he doesn’t really get involved in the whole thing, and doesn’t seem to want to understand the organization of the scene. I’ve tried, on a few occasions over meals at his house (one-on-one) to explain the Doms and subs, slaves, kinksters and all the other things that people get up to there, but he just doesn’t seem to want to understand it. I still have to sometimes interject and apologise on his behalf when he tries to tell a sub guy that he shouldn’t be kneeling on the floor near his Domme.

Now, the other thing with this is that I’m not sure if it’s just me that has the problem. You see, due to my nature (and BP) I don’t really drink very much. Usually 2 is my maximum, sometimes I don’t drink for a few weeks at all. I also stay well clear of party drugs of any kind – I don’t think that playing around with my brain chemistry is perhaps the best idea. So, usually, I’m the only sober one there. Perhaps this is why I feel the anguish that sometimes hits me at the party. The other problem is that doing this takes away my desire to fuck – which is a BAD thing on all counts.

This is, of course, assuming that he goes this week. Last couple of times he has complained that he’s tired and ends up frustrating fdoll because she wants him to come along. Although, he usually manages to then go out the following night on a bender that was already planned with other friends of his.

Hmmm. Maybe I just get shitty when things don’t go to plan in general. But I really want to have this Friday night as a bender myself. Not in the sense of being drunk, because that’s not my style. I just want to fuck the daylights out of fdoll in front of people, maybe have her suck or fuck someone else for my entertainment.. Maybe watch her dom another girl. The problem is, none of those things can happen for me with this other friend around.

Fdoll will most probably read this and say that I shouldn’t worry so much, this friend has “done so many other things already” etc etc. But I guess this is just how I am. I want him to have a good time, and if that good time happens at the fetish party – great.. I just have issues with having to break his ass to make him go and then spend the evening as a chaperone for him in a fetish world – he has even said a few times that he expects me to keep him safe and in line. Not sure if it was a joke, it may have been, but it ends up being true when he gets totally hammered.

I feel the need to insert a question at this juncture. Something to re-assure me into understanding that I can still go to the party with him in tow and not have it affect me in any way. But I just don’t know what question will achieve that – whether it be an actual question or just rhetorical.

I think I’ll end with a statement more than anything else. If he pulls out this Friday, I’m going to try and make sure that fdoll doesn’t pressure him to go. He’s a big boy, and if he doesn’t want to go to a place where he can have fun, then I refuse to put a downer on the night (or subsequent fetish parties) from him being a big baby about it.

(no doubt that’ll get fdoll annoyed – certainly not my intention, but I just can’t have our fetish fuckathon parties messed up anymore. They are something I really look forward to, but the sheen has been taken off slightly due to dragging along someone who’s not a kinkster into a kinky world)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Ups and Downs..

The last couple of days, I've had to deal with both sides of my bipolar disorder in one of the most violent swings from good to bad.

On friday, I was craving mania. Like a drug addict chasing a high, I too miss the moments where the world seems more vibrant and colourful. The difference being in this case, a drug user needs to aquire a chemical to feel a high, I just need to stop taking the chemicals next to the bed morning and night.

The misty-eyed view I had that morning over breakfast with fdoll was one of the worst I've had. I say 'worst' simply because it made me almost seriously consider stopping the meds.


The next day, on the way home from work, I had a crushing blow of a depression hit me. I felt an overwhelming pain inside. I felt that I was going to fail at everything forever in my life. I have a famously-short attention span when it comes to learning new things to gain a qualification (but am wickedly good as self-learning - shame those qualifications don't count for shit), so I felt that I was never going to succeed at a high-profile career.

I also know that the facts about bipolar sufferers don't really put the odds in my favour. Most people with BP will be chronically under-employed or simply unemployed completely. Simply put, we can't take the rigidity that working life has. We need days to be able to stay in bed, and days where we do 3 jobs at once.

If only it were that easy.

Its strange that I should have something that I can equally desire to unleash within me, yet also hate and wish it banished from my body and mind.

Fuck. Life bites sometimes.

emails are welcome:

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Is sex becoming extinct?

There's so much to fill you guys in on with the break since my last post. Well, that could possibly be quite misleading - I always seem to forget what I've already told you all in previous posts and, I'm sure, have told you the same news multiple times in the past. I like to blame that on my issues with tracking time, but its not always the case. I think that, most of the time, I'm just forgetful.

I've just dropped fdoll off at work and have decided to treat myself to breakfast at a cafe near to home. I've chosen a different one to the usual cafe we frequent simply because I think that I want to relax this morning, and the other cafe always seems to be filled with unruly children and mothers who haven't the faintest idea of what their spawn are getting up to. Its usually loud and full, especially on the weekend. Also seems rather overpriced too. Shit, why do we go there at all? Haha.

The one I'm in now is nice and relaxed. There are mature conversations happening around me, and I can't hear a screaming child anywhere. Bliss.

On friday night, we went to our monthly SM party with a friend (and coworker of fdoll) and had a great night. Normally, I would have taken fdoll upstairs to a playroom (I think there was even a between-the-lines offer to be joined by our friend too), but nerves again got the better of me and I chickened out from public play. I really do need to get over this shit.

I think that the main reason that I'm still a little nervous in public is that I sometimes feel that I'm completely out of my depth around such developed practitioners of kink. Also, to me, sexual gratification is such a massive part of play that I feel different to most. I get told from time to time that not all SM play needs to end up in sex - but, for me, SM is the foreplay and should then turn into a good, rough fuck. Anything else is just tease.

Just to clarify, tease can be fun. In a playful kinda way. But, to me, too much teasing makes me start to just get grumpy.

Watching people play at the party sometimes makes me a little confused. For example, one girl was getting her ass spanked for a good 10-15mins. She was clearly enjoying it, and looked ready to get the living crap fucked out of her. She was giving the eye (during the spanking) to a number of guys (myself included) yet, at the end she just grinned and walked away without dragging one of the aformentioned guys with her. Maybe you guys can help me out with comments on this post? Do you find that you can just play in SM without sexual gratification during/afterwards? Either way (yes or no) what are your thoughts on it?

I've just thought of something else, is (perhaps) rough sex looked as a stepping stone for SM'ers to the caning and 'proper' SM world? I know of one Mistress that doesn't seem to ever have sex with the partners she plays with. Does that mean that she has attained a level of consciousness where she no longer requires a fucking? Or is it just that she's forgotten how good sex can be? What do you guys think?

Perhaps I don't play with fdoll in public that much because I somehow feel like I'm still a newbie in the scene because I still enjoy ramming my cock in her?

emails are welcome:

Friday, July 23, 2010

I feel like Atlas, after the world is lifted off him.

It's been a rather good week this week. I went for an interview on monday for a casual job at a company that carries out advertising contracts. Basically, they send out motorcycle riders on Vespa scooters around the city. The Vespas all have trailers attached with mini billboards stood on them.

So, being a love of cars and motorbikes, I did well at the first interview on monday. Was asked back for an assesment ride on tuesday, and totally did awesomely again. And ended up having my first shift on the wednesday! :)

I spent 7hrs riding around Sydney's beaches, watching surfers and stopping to drink lattes and managed, in one day, to get paid more that I would get from my sickness benefit in two weeks. I've got lots more shift coming up too, so it's certainly going to be good for me. I get to work again and earn some money, yet I'm also away from an office, or call centre and actually ENJOYING a day's work.

Yesterday, I got my ass into gear and went into the city to confirm with the government office that my bankruptcy has gone through. I'd filed a while ago, and not heard anything. The girl in the office said all was good though, and they just had a backlog of applications.

Travelling home on the bus, I suddenly felt lighter. Like a massive weight has finally come off my back. I've had to deal with debt in general for so long that it was just slowly killing me, and to have the stress just taken away (albeit via filing for bankruptcy) is just magical for me right now.

This all got to the point where I was sat up in bed last night chatting with a slightly sleepy fdoll about how the last few days have changed my outlook on everything. I couldn't stop smiling - but, it was a different "can't stop smiling" than I'm used to. Usually, that is also matched with fast speech and ideas and plans all wrapped up into a solid manic episode coming on. But this was different. I was (and still am) just... happy.

I never actually knew what "just happy" every felt like until last night, I didn't know what I was missing.

Here's to life. And may all our days end as happy as mine did last night.

emails are welcome: