Pension time soon.

I'm 30 years old tomorrow. But I certainly don't feel like I should be. I think that I went into some kind of time-freeze when I got married at 21 and now, having started living again, I feel like I should be able to carry on where I left off. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Father Time and Mother Nature certainly take care of that.

I took this picture just before I started writing this post to see what I thought of my eyes. Personally, I think that they look sad. But then again, I know all the things that they have seen - more than enough sadness and pain for a lifetime to be completely honest.

However, the flipside of my eyes is that so many people say that they are warm, and happy. I wonder at times if that's because I've just got good at hiding the bad times of my life. Then I start to think more about my life and I realise that, despite the harshness of the years, I do have things that bring a warmth to my soul. Fdoll is certainly first on that list. She is, without a single moment of hesitation or doubt, the best thing that has happened to me - I am thankful to have her every morning when I wake to find her next to me.

I am thankful for people that support me with all my most recent pressures. Friends are included in that, as are you guys. I check my blog stats regularly and seeing that so many of you are reading what I write gives me encouragement to keep going on this blog and that helps me. You are anonymous, yet I see your friendly faces giving me support, and I thank you all for that. I may not have massive amounts of comments, but that's ok :)

I'm told by many people that their 29th year of life was also hard for them to and it only gets better from 30 onwards, I hope that is the case because I really want to get back to writing short stories about fdoll (one I'm wrote before that you guys seemed to really enjoy), I want to get back to fucking the living crap out of her even more!

So, here's to life, love and kink.

I think I'm getting fat.

I spoke to my sister last weekend using Skype. It's been the first time in a few years that we have seen each other, after only really recently regaining contact over the phone or emails. It was good to talk to her and see her two kids all grown up. She asked how I was and all the usual stuff that you talk about over the phone, and then I dropped the bombshell - I'm more sick than I had let on with her, and I'm not able to work for a while.

She took it all very well and asked about what medications I'm on and how fdoll is helping and all those things, but then she did something I didn't quite expect. She told me that after her second child she became quite depressed and also started noticing that she, at times, felt high at times. She started describing all the symptoms of mild bipolar. She then said that my mother is taking mood stabilizers.

Fuck me.

So, I guess that I can easily take a stab in the dark and say that this may very well be a family heirloom that no-one quite wants.

----------

In other news, my sex drive that seems to have been away on holiday for far too long has started to make a sporadic comeback. Sex with fdoll has started to become more regular again and the look on her face when I pull back the bedsheets to show a semi-hard on always gets me even further in the mood.

We are going to our regular monthly fetish party this friday night, but this time is special - it's the only just before my 30th birthday. I'm honestly hoping that all goes well in the cock-department so that I can truely ream fdoll in front on some of our friends and then see who wants a go of both of us!

Overall though, I'm glad that (even partially) I'm back in a head space that allows me to smile sometimes. I've missed not being able to do that.

I hope that this picture is accurate.

I went to the government dept today with fdoll to sort out getting my payments and also a final assessment to see how long they dont want me in work for. I met with their psychologist who had looked over my case briefly and double checked a few things with me and said that I probably need to stay away from work until at least November.

Sounds great, and you'd think that I would be relieved to get that news. But, as it seems to be the case lately, for everything good, something bad always comes along to fill the void. They want to pay me less than $10 a day. That includes a "rent assist" program where they help me pay my half of the $450 a week rent that myself and fdoll have.

The worst part of all of this is that fdoll broke down in tears. I know just how hard the stress must be for her to cope with me in the position that we are in, and I really wish that I could just get rid of all the problems instantly so that she can smile. But, unfortunately, reality just isn't like that. I've never really understood why some people are blessed in this life, and others just get fucked. It's just simply not fair.

Seeing her in such a bad way made me pause and question whether or not I should just go back to work. I mean, I've been able to just hold it all in for this long - why not just toughen the fuck up and get back in there? But there's something nagging away in the back of my mind - I know that if I went back to work, my situation would get worse. I know that this pressure that we are currently under would pale in comparison to the depression that I would face if I went into the working world so soon. So I do need to take just a little more time off, at least in the short term.

I have, however, decided upon my project to do during this time off - I'm going to write an auto-biography. I think that it's about time that I face up to all my inner-demons and my past, my whole past, and write it all down. It could certainly help with dealing with the emotions and issues that are all built up inside me.

The other thing that is driving me insane today is a friend of ours is getting to the point where I feel a rage growing to stab him because he keeps calling and calling me, asking me to go over to his house to play computer games (he's 10 years older than me) when he knows that I have other things to do. He's called 11 times today alone. I've had to turn off my Blackberry just to get some alone time with my thoughts. Right now, I just need to have some silence with my emotions.. I need to be able to cry, to let out the depression - I've learned that keeping it bottled up just makes it worse.