I've been admitted and then discharged from hospital, realised I really can't stand my job for a minute longer without feeling repulsed at dealing with grown adults carrying on like children (both customers and co-workers), and house "mates" being anything but friendly.
And now I've just admitted to fuckdoll that I'm in a depressive period. I'm not sure if she's ever been regularly at the level that I'm at, she says she understands what I'm going through, but I'm just not sure. I know that she loves and cares for me, but I find it hard sometimes to find myself worthy of life. I've told her of this but sometimes its really hard to say, out loud, your thoughts as they sound so sad and withering that they make you feel even worse.
Right now, at this point in time, I know that I have so much going for me. Yet I find myself having to think of a reason not to die every few seconds just to fend off the suicidal thoughts for that moment, even though its as futile as attempting to bat away the onset of old age - its not going away.
In the hospital the other day, when I had the lumbar puncture, I was warned of possible spinal damage or even death. The odd thing (I suppose) is that the thought of having a disability was horrifying to me, yet the thought of death was (almost) welcome. "At least the pain will stop". That was the first thought that entered my mind.
Now, I'm suddenly in two-minds about posting this update, simply because I find it hard to know that fuckdoll will read it at her earliest convenience. And, without a doubt, she will be upset by what she reads. But this is my dilemma that I face almost daily. Having to fight off the suicidal thought attacks my depression throws at me and yet, at the same time, fighting back any externally visable show of that fight to those around me.
There's also the other part of the equation: those around me will feel hurt and lied to. This will be because I've hidden the thoughts from them. Again this is mainly due to the standard response people have when faced with a fellow human who feels that, when faced with the choices they must face in life, find the solution of their own death to be the most preferable option to choose. That standard response is to point out all the "good" things that the person should live for.
Here's my (somewhat jaded) advice for the moment - a suicidal person doesn't want to hear the things to live for, not as such. Reeling out a list like that will only result in them feeling like they are so bad that they should, most probably, just take their life and have done with the whole saga.
Interesting that I used the word saga there. As it, so smoothly, leads me to my next point, its only Monday evening. I have, so far this week, expended that much energy trying to smile at the right points, joking when jokes are expected and generally cheating myself into surviving another hour that it should at least be Thursday.
This week is going to take a couple of months to see through to it's end..
Beeeeeeeeeeeeep.
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