A maze of dark tunnels.

Half an hour before work starts, and I'm sat in my car. The doors locked, keeping the world at bay. I can be myself here for another few moments before I have to put on my mask and face everything.

But I've noticed that my mask is wearing thin. The strap that holds it on is starting to sag. I think its overuse that's done it.

My skin is pale, dry and loose. My eyelids droopy from exhaustion of keeping going - trudging along metre after metre. I feel it grating away at me. The constant battle of existence.

But I know, around one of these damp, dark corners, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. There's always light. And I just keep needing to keep upright, and keep walking towards the light (when I see it).

I can't just give up and stay sat in the darkness for eternity.

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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com

The topic that shall not be spoken about.

Suicide.

Its a taboo subject for most, but an everyday struggle for far too many.

As an act, it's illegal (even though you can't obviously punish the person after the fact).

Life insurances usually have a clause meaning they don't need to pay if the insured person takes their own life. A sort of final insult to the person's remaining family/friends.

It's a sin in most (if not all - I've not researched) religions. And you are off to Hell if you feel that you can't go on in this world (what a great choice that is for the depressed Christian).

Its one of the biggest causes of death in the world. In fact, worldwide, its the leading cause of death for people under 35.

Just pause for a moment and consider that. Its a shocking statistic.

It's estimated that there are between 10 million and 20 million non-fatal suicide attempts every year, but that's a complete guess. No-one could ever be certain because of the stigma attached to it is stopping sufferers from coming forward to talk about it.

Most people who have never had the thought cross their minds assume suicide attempts are just a "cry for help". And, to a certain point, I guess they are. But, unfortunately, sometimes its simply giving in to constant feeling of worthlessness that grates at your senses for days on end during a depression.

I've considered it. A number of times actually. The thought usually bounces around my head at least once a week, sometimes even when I'm happy with life. Its a demon I've lived with for as long as I can remember.

I recall, as a kid (about 10years old, and I think younger too), I used to enjoy holding my breath underwater. A number of times I considered just staying there until I passed out and then drowning. I tried strangling myself with the curtain tiebacks when I got home from school one day (I remember that one clearly). Let's just say I'm shit at suicide plans!

Why am I writing this? Well, I'm thinking that turning my view on the feeling of wanting to die can provide me a clinical viewpoint. Normally, I can pigeonhole something when I'm in a clinical mind and get it out of my system, and that has already seemed to work here today.

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If you, or someone you know is considering suicide, please seek assistance immediately. Take yourself, or your loved one, to the nearest hospital and advise them of the situation. They have protocols in place for such a situation.
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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com

No energy to think of a title.

Apologies for the huge delay since I last updated, I forgot my own blog address. Not from a lack of interest, more from just having a disfunctional brain I think!

Its been quite a few weeks since I told you guys how I'm going, I think the last post was before we went camping. And that was ages ago.

I've been on a slow decline, now that I think about it, for a few weeks. Just a slippery slope that was hardly noticed by myself, never mind those around me. But, on reflection, I thinks its been there. Slowly taking me down a slippery path that only becomes obvious after I'd passed the point of no return.

Leaving me here now, realising that I've been in a real depression for a few days. Driving to work this morning, I cried for about 20 minutes as I drove through the city. I really hate days like these - the ones where people expect me to be my usual smiling self, yet inside I want to retreat from everything - work, bills, friends. Everything apart from doll.

She really is the only one that seems to get me lately. Sure, people give me their thoughts and words of encouragement (and they are all appreciated), but its only doll that sees the pain in my eyes when faced with living through a day that everyone else takes for granted.

When I get really depressed, as I am today, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Its like the world around me is moving at a pace that I just can't keep up with, and it makes me feel physically sick.

I don't feel hungry, and want to sleep for days on end.

I did, however, purchase a set of weights a week ago or so, and I'm doing my best to keep at them on a daily basis - its just hard to motivate yourself when you are suprised that you even made it through a day, come the evening.

Doll is being awesome though, she's giving me the headspace I need to recover from this, but I think I need to hit rock bottom tonight. I've been holding back because whenever that happens, I usually end up exhausted for days. But, I don't think I can avoid it anymore, I have to do it before the suicide thoughts mount up too high.

Talk soon.

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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com