Its been quite a few weeks since I told you guys how I'm going, I think the last post was before we went camping. And that was ages ago.
I've been on a slow decline, now that I think about it, for a few weeks. Just a slippery slope that was hardly noticed by myself, never mind those around me. But, on reflection, I thinks its been there. Slowly taking me down a slippery path that only becomes obvious after I'd passed the point of no return.
Leaving me here now, realising that I've been in a real depression for a few days. Driving to work this morning, I cried for about 20 minutes as I drove through the city. I really hate days like these - the ones where people expect me to be my usual smiling self, yet inside I want to retreat from everything - work, bills, friends. Everything apart from doll.
She really is the only one that seems to get me lately. Sure, people give me their thoughts and words of encouragement (and they are all appreciated), but its only doll that sees the pain in my eyes when faced with living through a day that everyone else takes for granted.
When I get really depressed, as I am today, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Its like the world around me is moving at a pace that I just can't keep up with, and it makes me feel physically sick.
I don't feel hungry, and want to sleep for days on end.
I did, however, purchase a set of weights a week ago or so, and I'm doing my best to keep at them on a daily basis - its just hard to motivate yourself when you are suprised that you even made it through a day, come the evening.
Doll is being awesome though, she's giving me the headspace I need to recover from this, but I think I need to hit rock bottom tonight. I've been holding back because whenever that happens, I usually end up exhausted for days. But, I don't think I can avoid it anymore, I have to do it before the suicide thoughts mount up too high.
Talk soon.
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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com
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