Ups and Downs..

The last couple of days, I've had to deal with both sides of my bipolar disorder in one of the most violent swings from good to bad.

On friday, I was craving mania. Like a drug addict chasing a high, I too miss the moments where the world seems more vibrant and colourful. The difference being in this case, a drug user needs to aquire a chemical to feel a high, I just need to stop taking the chemicals next to the bed morning and night.

The misty-eyed view I had that morning over breakfast with fdoll was one of the worst I've had. I say 'worst' simply because it made me almost seriously consider stopping the meds.

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The next day, on the way home from work, I had a crushing blow of a depression hit me. I felt an overwhelming pain inside. I felt that I was going to fail at everything forever in my life. I have a famously-short attention span when it comes to learning new things to gain a qualification (but am wickedly good as self-learning - shame those qualifications don't count for shit), so I felt that I was never going to succeed at a high-profile career.

I also know that the facts about bipolar sufferers don't really put the odds in my favour. Most people with BP will be chronically under-employed or simply unemployed completely. Simply put, we can't take the rigidity that working life has. We need days to be able to stay in bed, and days where we do 3 jobs at once.

If only it were that easy.

Its strange that I should have something that I can equally desire to unleash within me, yet also hate and wish it banished from my body and mind.

Fuck. Life bites sometimes.


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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com

Is sex becoming extinct?

There's so much to fill you guys in on with the break since my last post. Well, that could possibly be quite misleading - I always seem to forget what I've already told you all in previous posts and, I'm sure, have told you the same news multiple times in the past. I like to blame that on my issues with tracking time, but its not always the case. I think that, most of the time, I'm just forgetful.

I've just dropped fdoll off at work and have decided to treat myself to breakfast at a cafe near to home. I've chosen a different one to the usual cafe we frequent simply because I think that I want to relax this morning, and the other cafe always seems to be filled with unruly children and mothers who haven't the faintest idea of what their spawn are getting up to. Its usually loud and full, especially on the weekend. Also seems rather overpriced too. Shit, why do we go there at all? Haha.

The one I'm in now is nice and relaxed. There are mature conversations happening around me, and I can't hear a screaming child anywhere. Bliss.

On friday night, we went to our monthly SM party with a friend (and coworker of fdoll) and had a great night. Normally, I would have taken fdoll upstairs to a playroom (I think there was even a between-the-lines offer to be joined by our friend too), but nerves again got the better of me and I chickened out from public play. I really do need to get over this shit.

I think that the main reason that I'm still a little nervous in public is that I sometimes feel that I'm completely out of my depth around such developed practitioners of kink. Also, to me, sexual gratification is such a massive part of play that I feel different to most. I get told from time to time that not all SM play needs to end up in sex - but, for me, SM is the foreplay and should then turn into a good, rough fuck. Anything else is just tease.

Just to clarify, tease can be fun. In a playful kinda way. But, to me, too much teasing makes me start to just get grumpy.

Watching people play at the party sometimes makes me a little confused. For example, one girl was getting her ass spanked for a good 10-15mins. She was clearly enjoying it, and looked ready to get the living crap fucked out of her. She was giving the eye (during the spanking) to a number of guys (myself included) yet, at the end she just grinned and walked away without dragging one of the aformentioned guys with her. Maybe you guys can help me out with comments on this post? Do you find that you can just play in SM without sexual gratification during/afterwards? Either way (yes or no) what are your thoughts on it?

I've just thought of something else, is (perhaps) rough sex looked as a stepping stone for SM'ers to the caning and 'proper' SM world? I know of one Mistress that doesn't seem to ever have sex with the partners she plays with. Does that mean that she has attained a level of consciousness where she no longer requires a fucking? Or is it just that she's forgotten how good sex can be? What do you guys think?

Perhaps I don't play with fdoll in public that much because I somehow feel like I'm still a newbie in the scene because I still enjoy ramming my cock in her?

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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com