I've been thinking lately that nothing is as it seems in my world - I've been having many paranoid delusions, to the point where I don't know what's real and what isn't.
I feel on the verge of crying almost everyday. Some days lately seem to involve thoughts of suicide, that worthless, nagging at my mind that I really don't deserve to take up this space in the universe.
I try to talk to fdoll about it all - and she is truly being a gem to me - but I've got to the point where I think that all I'm actually managing to do is to put more stress on her when she already has to deal with the chaos of my mood swings. I mean, I wanted to learn how to build and fly a helicopter earlier this week.
The swings into mania and depression are becoming more wild and rapid - and it really is wearing me down.
Looking back at my blog, I've realised that my posts are no longer about the things that fdoll and I get up to together, but instead, are filled with my thoughts of death and depression. Let's face it, that's not really fun for anyone to read.
Whenever I write here though, I feel that I am able to get out some of the emotions that I find too hard to verbalise. It becomes a way for me to start myself crying and then I can let it all out.. Become that wreck I need to be for a while. Sat in the corner, don't mind me, I wont be long.
But, of course, this is meant to be a happy blog, one that (no doubt) has previously got you excited to load into your browser and peruse. But lately, all it has become is an empty shell - much like it's owner.
I fear that I am no longer the fun blogger that you guys started to come to here to read about - I'm just a guy with a serious mental illness that happens to like SM. And that, I'm sure, isn't something any of you want to know about.
So, I've realised that I need to take these mentally disabled ranting elsewhere - somewhere more appropriate.
I did enjoy sharing the fun parts of my life with you all, I really did.. But right now, my life and sanity are at stake. And - I'm told - they are priceless.
I dont think thats true at all. Everyone goes through rough patches in life , Mental illness or not. Its just a matter of not letting it get you down which I know personally is easier said then done but as a constant reader of yours and F-dolls blog I feel that any thoughts or ideas you have to share in this space should be important to us as readers. Frankly this is YOUR blog. Its here for you, not for our entertainment. Although I must say I get a kick out of your happier posts. Posts like this give us insight on what a day in your life is like...which is I guess what we're all wondering and wanting to find out when we read this. What is it really like in the life of someone who enjoys SM but yet is still a human being , with flaws and with bad days and with emotional slumps.
ReplyDeleteI for one feel that no matter what you write about, its important to read...not only because I want to learn more about SM but I want to learn more about you and F-doll as people.
Break the social stigma that comes with this alternative lifestyle!
Long live the blog! and long live free thinking!