I can see Mel Gibson. And he looks PISSED.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my illness. Well, my disability (for that really is what it is). And I've come to the conclusion that I really need to take control of the situation. But working isn't helping matters at the moment. Even though I've managed to land myself a temp job in a mailroom (of all places) I just keep being hit with a dose of massive depression and suicidal thoughts practically every morning. Having to then commute and also deal with a work environment where I have no real choice but to interact with others constantly is wearing me down.

I try my best everyday, even religiously taking my 1000mg a day of sodium valproate and 3600mg per day of St Johns Wart (recommended by a few different people), but it's getting to be too common. The reason I have to work full-time at the moment is that I have a massive debt that I've somehow become responsible from when I left my ex. It's over $200 a week which goes to, well, nowhere. But it's the reason I have to work. Going off an average wage, that means two days a week is spent working to pay off a debt that I didn't actually accumulate. Frankly, that's fucked.

So, after some research and talking it all over with fdoll - I'm considering filing for bankruptcy. I know that there's a stigma attached to that, and it also means I can't apply for any credit for 7 years (in this country) but, when you think about it, I've got a fucking massive debt hanging over me for the next 5 years anyway. And during that time I couldn't afford any more credit/debt anyway. It would also mean that I could reduce the amount of time I need to work each week (perhaps even going onto a disability payment for a short space of time in order to get myself into a good treatment program and hopefully tame this beast that I have to live with.

I feel that my grip on fun is slipping. I so desperately want to cane and/or flog my little slut every night, but I find that I just don't have the energy to do anything really after dealing with a working day. The anxiety attacks are getting harder to control/hide from people, and I can almost see a manic or depressive breakdown on the horizon like Mad Max thundering towards me in that loud-ass car that he drives. I need to take control of my financial life, to then allow me to control my emotional life a bit more. Hopefully, that way, I can throw some road spikes in front of Mad Max and halt the enevitable from happening.

I'll let you guys know how I go with it all.

As always, even if I don't say it, thanks for reading and supporting me with all this.