Today has not been a very good day. It’s only 9am and I’ve already had a total meltdown. I arrived at that mailroom job that I was telling you guys about at 7:30 this morning, but I had been battling with a serious level of depression all morning. I made certain that I took my medications this morning, because I knew that it wasn’t going to be a fun day.
I awoke this morning with a level of dread more intense than before - I simply didn’t want to have to deal with members of the public today. Well, let me clarify that, I can be ok around people - the problems occur when I have to interact with any of them. I don’t mean that to sound as aloof as it does, it’s not that I see myself as superior in any way, I just feel that if I have to engage with anyone, it’s only a matter of time before they see my mask of normality is slipping and they see the wounded, depressed person that I really am.
So, there I was, in work and I was starting to feel the start of a major anxiety attack coming on. From what, I simply couldn’t say - I hadn’t, at that point, actually done anything apart from sort out newspapers into some plastic trays. I knew at that moment that I couldn’t stay today. I needed to escape. I called my manager (I am the only one in that time) and explained that I had a migraine - no need to explain that depression and anxiety are such a big part of my life - and she was more than willing to let me leave for the day.
I evacuated the building and, indeed, the suburb (about 10-15mins north of Sydney city by suburban train). And dived on the first train service south. At the station just north of the harbour I started to feel panicked again, and had to jump off the train. Overall, that wasn’t too much of a bad thing - it allowed me to have a 20min walk over the Sydney harbour bridge to clear my head somewhat.
After that, we get to where I am currently sat now - in a café in the financial district of the city. The kind of place where someone in a shirt with a Blackberry and a netbook computer (like me at the moment) fit in well. Hiding in plain sight. I look around at the men around me - most in expensive-looking suits and being followed by a herd of “yes men” nodding to their every utterance and I think to myself - am I made to fit into a working world?
For that matter, is anyone? I read this morning that the long hours that people are working are causing a great deal of health problems. And, do we really need to work that much? What do we get out of it? A Porsche perhaps? That’s over AU$300,000. that’s 6-7 years wages for some people. Do you really need a car that cost the same as an apartment? If yes - why?
Some people want to work hard to get higher in a corporation and have power and control. But then I realise something - they only have the power and control over those in the same company (or with links to that company). They have completely zero control over other strangers.
I am not completely certain why I went off on that tangent - but I’ll leave it in the post. Maybe I’ll come back to it later and it’ll make sense another day.
Fdoll is still at home sleeping. I let her sleep in this morning for a few reasons. Firstly, she’s on a late shift at work tonight (starting at 4pm). Secondly, she looked really cute. And lastly, because I just didn’t have the energy to hide how down I was feeling this morning. I know that may sound a little dishonest, but I just don’t want her to always see just how depressed I am some days. She hasw enough problems dealing with me most of the time anyway, and seeing me almost at the point of suicidal thoughts isn’t exactly a great thing to see in your partner before they head off to work and you wont see them for another 17-18 hours.
So, I’ve spent 30mins or so writing this post.. I’m just going to upload it and head home again to snuggle up to my girl. She really is a saint.
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