It's been a while....

First up.. Sorry for the massive pause in updates. I've had so many things on my mind as of late that this has been placed on the back-burner as something to attend to later.

But I've realised that I need to vent to help me deal with the things going on in my life.

Primarily, I have made a decision: I need to leave my wife. I am not happy with my current situation there, and I know that I'm only staying to make her happy.

The side effect of that is that I'm getting more unhappy by the day. I've realised that I need to be free from constantly putting myself second to her. I know that its going to demolish her, and the thought of upsetting her, also upsets me. I do, after all, love her. But I'm no longer in love. I just don't feel that smile inside when I arrive home. I'm submissive in my role with her.

Not, you understand, in a S&M type way, but in a way that I just stop talking when she speaks. She has become a mother figure in my life, and that's just not right.

Then there's the sex. Or total lack of. You see, I need sex to be rough, with slapping, choking, whipping and degradation in there too. But she is a completely vanilla person. The effect of this is that I just can't become aroused by it.

So, even if I stayed, I'd have to do what I've done for all but the first year of our marriage - I'd have to cheat.

She doesn't need to hear that part from me, of course. But as much as I'm looking forward to the first day in which I truely feel free, I'm also (just as much) dreading the conversation that has to take place to get me there.

I've spoken to fuckdoll about everything, and we have both relised that we love each other. She is, certainly something that I've been searching for - loven honesty, security and the S&M thrown in too. I'd finally feel able to be in a relationship without the "need" to seek others out.

I'll let you know how it goes, but expect some pauses in updates for a while

Mark


---

Rant....

I guess I need to rant. To talk. To throw away the facade for a while and allow all my thoughts to spew out intot the cold light of day.

I finished work at 1130pm tonight and rode home on a bike that doesn't seem to be performing at its best - I'm not sure what, it just doesn't seem "right". The ride was cold, windy and raining. Then I get home to my wife and her emotionally and socially inept daughter (21 next month).

I'm welcomed home on what is now technically my birthday to find them both saying "happy birthday". I get no card from either of them. Then I get handed the first season of Two and a Half Men on DVD. Still in its cellophane wrapper. With the price attached.

Now, I know I don't go in for birthdays, but I figure - either go along with that and do nothing. Or, actually celebrate my fucking birthday.

I sit down (on the floor cos neither of the fuckers moved from the sofa), and get ready to watch a little TV before trying to fall asleep. But no, I get told that I'm to follow my wife to bed.

But, I point out, I'm not tired, you should go to bed and I'll maybe follow later. But I'm firmly told that is not acceptable. In less that 4mins later, she's snoring horrifically loudly and I'm heading back to the damn sofa.

Moving all the crap they left out to clear enough space for me to lie down and relax, I find a birthday card. Blank. Under a half eaten bag of Doritos.

-------------------------

The only real thing going through my mind during all of this was the amazing morning I had with fuckdoll. She truely has me thinking some things through in my head. I told her that I love her yesterday.. She reciprocated the feeling and we agreed that we are still finding out when kind of love it is.. A friend? A lover? More?

Sure as anything, right now...

I wish I was there

Mark.


---

Horny.

Glancing at the time, I know that a huge event is currently occuring in my fuckdoll's life. If you have been reading her blog, you'll know that her mother is in town and she is having to tell her about her career choice.

She's been building this up within herself over the past few days and after I highlighted a few facts about everything, she seemed a lot more comfortable about entering the lion's den.

I sit, staring out of the window next to my desk at work, and wish her the best. I'm sending my energy in the hope it helps.

Shortly after I collared her, she suggested that I read up on some blogs regarding Masters and their submissives. Mainly because I'm nt really in "the scene". I feel I take to this role naturally, but have never actually been so far into it as I am now.

I've spent the last 45mins or so googling around the internet, reading posts and blogs and there seems to be a few stark contrasts in what "scene" Masters do, compared to my way of owning.

For example, it seems that so many Masters make their submissives ask for permission before they are allowed to cum. I really don't see the point in that. I like that I can make my fuckdoll cum on command. At times, she's actually begged me not togive her another orgasm, but, of course, I do.

I think that as much as the bond the two of us can be labelled as a Master and submissive, but the dynamic is so much dfferent to what I can find so far online.

But, all things aside, I really want to fuck the hell out of her at the moment. She made me horny before with her talk of a threesome with a girlfriend of her's who is somewhat of an anal slut. Now I need to fuck.

Problem is, her mum's in town overnight. So the next time I'll have her is saturday.

Her holes will be raw when I've finished with her.

Mark.


---

My Transformers Are Still In Their Boxes After 20yrs.

Just to give you some context for this post, I need to give you some background information about my life. Specifically, my illness.

About 2 and a bit months ago, I was diagnosed with severe Bipolar Disorder, something my fuckdoll has helped me immensely with. She has been one of the stand out figures that has given me strength and focus to keep me on my medications, and work through the side-effects.

But the Bipolar still lingers (it will never go away and has been around causing problems all my life), and its lingering now. I'm suddenly feeling depressed. I am listening to music that is probably not the best for my mood as it reminds me of certain parts of my life where I should have stopped being taken advantage of. Or times where I needed to be more assertive about what I wanted.

Is this low episode anything to do with me collaring fuckdoll? That is undoubtably something she's going to ask - she gets concerned about me and worries that our dynamic is self-destructive at times for me. But its certainly not self-destructive in any way. You have no need to worry about that my girl.

Then, what is it to do with? What caused this depression to envelop me so suddenly over the space of literally 45mins.

Its a combination of things.

But they are private things to me and don't need to be discussed here. But, truth be told, I'm unsure on how to reduce the hold that they have over my life when left unchecked.

I realised today that some people see a submissive as an object to be used. And while that may be the case in some part, my object to be used smiles, laughs and has things she enjoys. Is this a different way of looking at a Master/submissive relationship?

Perhaps.

I remember as a child that I had thebest toys of my circle of friends, but rarely played with others. All my action figures were stored in their original undamaged boxes they came with. The graphics stickers where pristine and glued back into place if their corners began to peel.

But, on the rare occasions that I let the other children play with my toys, I spent more time than usual afterwards fixing the toys back to working order. And I never enjoyed that time. I felt used, even though I wasn't the one handled roughly.

I think I may have hit upon the reason for my depression...

I have an unquenching desire to allow others to play with my fuckdoll, but I want to ensure no patch-up time is required afterwards.

The thought of someone else damaging my favourite action figure is too hard to think about.

Mark.


---

A Place Of Authority

This morning, my fuckdoll braved the freezing conditions of winter and came over to my place. She will be writing up the post at her blog here: http://www.used-and-abused-fdoll.blogspot.com

While this morning was extremely enjoyable, I will leave it to her filthy mind to write up for you all. I, on the other hand, want to talk about a realisation I made this morning.

I'm sat at my desk in the open plan office, and there are a handful of fellow co-workers running around attempting to look busy. They are carrying paper and a pen in the hope of appearing to have some quantity of authority. These people, you see, want to be the next batch of managers or team leaders. In fact, they've already jumped the first hurdle by being accepted into the fold of trainee managers.

But its all fluff, they are walking around and aren't actually DOING anything. They are pretending to work and using all the right phrases, like "touch base" and "let's discuss" and "action plans", but do they actually have any authority? Do they actually have any power?

Not compared to my situation.

In watching these people, and joking with team-mates about how dumb they look, trying to get "exposure" in the business, I realised something quite profound - I actually OWN someone. I am the Owner and Master of my fuckdoll.

This morning, during our playtime, I told her to do things, and without question or pause, she did them to the letter. Truely amazing.

I ordered her collar yesterday, and I'm looking forward to that moment that I can encase her neck in it. The moment that padlock clicks into place, I think that I will realise that, without doubt, there is no greater place of power, no higher position of authority, than to own a submissive.

Mark.

---

She Is Owned By Me

I woke early this morning and got dressed far quicker than someone awake at 530am should. I carved up the other road users along the freeway and did drag race starts from every red light as I travelled through the city. I was on a mission.

I pulled up outside fuckdoll's place and she obviously had heard me coming, because she was stood at the front door when I had taken off my helmet. She looked as excited as I was for this morning's main event.

Once inside her bedroom, I undressed and quickly got into bed. It didn't take long until I was inside her. Slowly, but deeply, fucking her cunt from behind. A few other positions and I was starting to think about cumming. But I didn't want to cum inside fuckdoll.

I wanted to cum inside MY fuckdoll.

Seeing the ribbon on the bedside table, I picked it up and stood upon the bed. She immediately got the idea and knelt before me. I looped the ribbon around her delicate neck and tied it into a bow. I will be getting her a proper collar soon, but the ribbon made a good symbol of the more gentle control I have this time around with her. I understand emotions now, whereas I really didn't appreciate them in the past.

She then, still kneeling, hugged into my legs and I held her close to me. This felt real, it felt as I imagined a Master and his collared submissive SHOULD be like.

It was deeply enjoyable to then have her riding my cock. Both of us smiling at each other as she came. I couldn't help but glance at the bowed ribbon marking her as owned by me.

I'm a bit lost for words at the moment, I'm just grinning like an idiot.

What a wonderful day.

Mark.


---