Wanting To Share

What the hell is this shit? Two posts in under a week? Holy hairy mother of fuck. What could be so important that I need to write again?

Well, to answer that question I need to refer back to the last post. Where I was complaining about that friend and his nature. It really wound me up yesterday, just thinking about the whole thing. I guess I’m anticipating a total meltdown on my part this coming Friday at the party. It’s not that I actually want to go postal, just sometimes a thought gets jammed in my head like a splinter and I just can’t shake it.

It went around and around in my mind, all the things that might happen that will piss me off, and that then started to piss me off to the point that I started to get one of my headaches. It got worse and worse and sent me into a bit of a bender. I got home and got into bed (at about 4:30 in the afternoon). I ended up tucking myself in and being asleep by 7pm. Waking up a few times during the evening and night and finding that my head was still pounding.

Before I actually went to sleep, I found myself doing something that I do whenever I get irate over things with someone – I cull them from my Facebook friends list. (This could, quite possibly, be the reason why my friends list is completely tiny compared to most people’s.)

I deleted the friend that was plaguing my mind, and also someone else added through this friend that I don’t really know anyway. I guess me reasoning behind it is that, sometimes, I want to be able to have a rant on my status field on Facebook. To say openly what is on my mind. It’s still quite a new thing for me to be able to be so open about my feelings and emotions, and I’m finding that FB is a really good outlet to let those people that care about me know that something is a little bit askew. It also serves to be invaluable as a tracking tool to see how my moods are going. The only problem with that, of course, being that if I am inhibited in what I can write due to the people that may see it, it means that my moods always look chipper and happy in hindsight. And that is a Bad Thing.

I know, from when I first met this friend, that he has major issues with (what he terms) “Swingers”. Now, I don’t see myself and fdoll as that at all – that’s a subculture of the kink scene, but swingers are usually in different events to the SM group. I must explain at this point that one of my fantasies, as I’ve brushed upon previously, is to share fdoll around with other men. To watch her get gangbanged perhaps, things like that. This friend, however, in talks we’ve had one-on-one has passed judgment upon “those kinds” of people. I’ve never openly admitted what I would like to do with fdoll to him, but it’s quite clear that he would have a freak out about it.

And that’s the issue, I think, that nags at me during the SM party when he’s there. I crave to drag fdoll up to one of the playrooms and share her around with strangers while I watch (and then fuck the living shit out of her afterwards), but there’s that horrible feeling that, at any second, he might walk in and either want to take part (I just couldn’t take that) or start into a lecture about why it shouldn’t be happening.

Ah well, my coffee appears to be empty, and my netbook battery is slowly dying. Best I walk home from the café , charge up and upload this to the blog.

Just one last thing: Someone in the Sydney, Australia gay/kink scene passed away last weekend and, although I didn’t personally know her, the news has personally touched those who knew her (fdoll being one, as well as some friends of ours). As far as I can tell, Mandy Rollins was much loved as a friend, DJ and all round party person. I can tell from the Facebook messages that she will be missed dearly by those around her. Mandy, may you find whatever peace you seek, wherever you are.