Ups and Downs..

The last couple of days, I've had to deal with both sides of my bipolar disorder in one of the most violent swings from good to bad.

On friday, I was craving mania. Like a drug addict chasing a high, I too miss the moments where the world seems more vibrant and colourful. The difference being in this case, a drug user needs to aquire a chemical to feel a high, I just need to stop taking the chemicals next to the bed morning and night.

The misty-eyed view I had that morning over breakfast with fdoll was one of the worst I've had. I say 'worst' simply because it made me almost seriously consider stopping the meds.

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The next day, on the way home from work, I had a crushing blow of a depression hit me. I felt an overwhelming pain inside. I felt that I was going to fail at everything forever in my life. I have a famously-short attention span when it comes to learning new things to gain a qualification (but am wickedly good as self-learning - shame those qualifications don't count for shit), so I felt that I was never going to succeed at a high-profile career.

I also know that the facts about bipolar sufferers don't really put the odds in my favour. Most people with BP will be chronically under-employed or simply unemployed completely. Simply put, we can't take the rigidity that working life has. We need days to be able to stay in bed, and days where we do 3 jobs at once.

If only it were that easy.

Its strange that I should have something that I can equally desire to unleash within me, yet also hate and wish it banished from my body and mind.

Fuck. Life bites sometimes.


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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com

Is sex becoming extinct?

There's so much to fill you guys in on with the break since my last post. Well, that could possibly be quite misleading - I always seem to forget what I've already told you all in previous posts and, I'm sure, have told you the same news multiple times in the past. I like to blame that on my issues with tracking time, but its not always the case. I think that, most of the time, I'm just forgetful.

I've just dropped fdoll off at work and have decided to treat myself to breakfast at a cafe near to home. I've chosen a different one to the usual cafe we frequent simply because I think that I want to relax this morning, and the other cafe always seems to be filled with unruly children and mothers who haven't the faintest idea of what their spawn are getting up to. Its usually loud and full, especially on the weekend. Also seems rather overpriced too. Shit, why do we go there at all? Haha.

The one I'm in now is nice and relaxed. There are mature conversations happening around me, and I can't hear a screaming child anywhere. Bliss.

On friday night, we went to our monthly SM party with a friend (and coworker of fdoll) and had a great night. Normally, I would have taken fdoll upstairs to a playroom (I think there was even a between-the-lines offer to be joined by our friend too), but nerves again got the better of me and I chickened out from public play. I really do need to get over this shit.

I think that the main reason that I'm still a little nervous in public is that I sometimes feel that I'm completely out of my depth around such developed practitioners of kink. Also, to me, sexual gratification is such a massive part of play that I feel different to most. I get told from time to time that not all SM play needs to end up in sex - but, for me, SM is the foreplay and should then turn into a good, rough fuck. Anything else is just tease.

Just to clarify, tease can be fun. In a playful kinda way. But, to me, too much teasing makes me start to just get grumpy.

Watching people play at the party sometimes makes me a little confused. For example, one girl was getting her ass spanked for a good 10-15mins. She was clearly enjoying it, and looked ready to get the living crap fucked out of her. She was giving the eye (during the spanking) to a number of guys (myself included) yet, at the end she just grinned and walked away without dragging one of the aformentioned guys with her. Maybe you guys can help me out with comments on this post? Do you find that you can just play in SM without sexual gratification during/afterwards? Either way (yes or no) what are your thoughts on it?

I've just thought of something else, is (perhaps) rough sex looked as a stepping stone for SM'ers to the caning and 'proper' SM world? I know of one Mistress that doesn't seem to ever have sex with the partners she plays with. Does that mean that she has attained a level of consciousness where she no longer requires a fucking? Or is it just that she's forgotten how good sex can be? What do you guys think?

Perhaps I don't play with fdoll in public that much because I somehow feel like I'm still a newbie in the scene because I still enjoy ramming my cock in her?

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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com

I feel like Atlas, after the world is lifted off him.

It's been a rather good week this week. I went for an interview on monday for a casual job at a company that carries out advertising contracts. Basically, they send out motorcycle riders on Vespa scooters around the city. The Vespas all have trailers attached with mini billboards stood on them.

So, being a love of cars and motorbikes, I did well at the first interview on monday. Was asked back for an assesment ride on tuesday, and totally did awesomely again. And ended up having my first shift on the wednesday! :)

I spent 7hrs riding around Sydney's beaches, watching surfers and stopping to drink lattes and managed, in one day, to get paid more that I would get from my sickness benefit in two weeks. I've got lots more shift coming up too, so it's certainly going to be good for me. I get to work again and earn some money, yet I'm also away from an office, or call centre and actually ENJOYING a day's work.

Yesterday, I got my ass into gear and went into the city to confirm with the government office that my bankruptcy has gone through. I'd filed a while ago, and not heard anything. The girl in the office said all was good though, and they just had a backlog of applications.

Travelling home on the bus, I suddenly felt lighter. Like a massive weight has finally come off my back. I've had to deal with debt in general for so long that it was just slowly killing me, and to have the stress just taken away (albeit via filing for bankruptcy) is just magical for me right now.

This all got to the point where I was sat up in bed last night chatting with a slightly sleepy fdoll about how the last few days have changed my outlook on everything. I couldn't stop smiling - but, it was a different "can't stop smiling" than I'm used to. Usually, that is also matched with fast speech and ideas and plans all wrapped up into a solid manic episode coming on. But this was different. I was (and still am) just... happy.

I never actually knew what "just happy" every felt like until last night, I didn't know what I was missing.

Here's to life. And may all our days end as happy as mine did last night.

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emails are welcome:
erratic.seasons@gmail.com

Choke on that, Bitch.

Something happened today. Something that hasn't happened properly for far too long.

My cock got hard with sufficiently good timing that it was also fdoll's day off from work. Oh Yes. Prepare for a good post...

We'd spent the morning being rather geeky, me playing PC games with her watching her new addiction (The Tudors - some TV show that seems to be softcore porn in period costume lol) and I was walking past her when the urge struck me to grab her head and ram her face into my crotch. It was just a bit of a giggle at first with a couple of dry humps thrown in, but the twitches happened.

Grabbing hold of her hair by the fist-full I dragged her into the bedroom and threw her on the bed. She knelt on the mattress as I stood next to the bed and I then forced her into position. Holding her under her chin with one hand and by the hair with the other I slid my cock down her throat. It's been a while since I have been hard enough to get right down there, so the feeling was more than welcome by me. Slapping and lightly punching her ass and hips with my left hand, holding her head steady with my right as I thrust into her. Feeling her throat convulsing around the head of my cock only got me harder.

Throwing her hard onto her side I got onto the bed and ripped down her pants, with her on her side and hugging her knees I rammed right into her cunt without any worry. Evidently the throatfucking turned her on just as much as me, judging by how wet she was. The first thrust was deep and I instantly felt her cervix she yelped out in pain, which only made me want to go harder and harder. Make her fucking suffer my pent up sexual frustration - she'll LOVE it all.

I held tight to her hip and thrusted and rammed into her tight body with her gasping for breath and letting out occasional screams of pain when I went in too deep. Well, too deep for her maybe. It was the perfect depth from my point of view.

It didn't take long before all this stimulation was becoming too much, rolling onto my side, my pace quickened and I was fucking the hell out of my girl, my slut, she began cumming with perfect timing and I just couldn't hold back. Letting go and feeling myself cum and cum inside of her as her cunt convulsed and milked my cock at the same time.

Now, if you will excuse me... I've got a slut to rape. Again.

Zombie Level Set To Zero

After an eventful and discussion-filled day yesterday, both fdoll and I came to the understanding that I would stop taking one of the two medications that I have been prescribed. The one I'm staying on is Sodium Valproate (a mood stabilizer) which has proved useful in reducing my manic episodes. But the one that I have now stopped is Zyprexa - mainly due to the results it is giving and also due to the doctor that prescribed it too me.

Now, as you know from previous posts, I'm not exactly a fan of my psychiatrist as he seems to be from the old school of treatment - dose seven shades of shit out of you until you either stop complaining, or turn into a walking zombie. Preferably both.

Well, I was verging on being a zombie - I couldn't get up before midday, spent the day practically motionless and without thoughts in my head. I had mentioned this to the doctor who took it as a sign of depression. He asked if I had had worse depression, "yes" I replied, "I've considered suicide on those occasions though". "Ah," says the doctor, "no need to worry then, you have pulled out of low periods before without intervention, no reason to change that now."

So what, I wonder, the fuck are the zombie-makers being prescribed to me for? In fact, they aren't even prescribed, he has a filing cabinet haphazardly filled with boxes of drugs. There is no order to the boxes, and each appointment results in me walking out with another box of medicinal goodness. He never asked how I was doing, he only ever asked how the medications are. Bells should have rang earlier in hindsight.

So, knowing that I was going to have a day of more normal thought patterns, I was in a frisky mood (despite being unable to get an erection - something plaguing me on the nasty pills) and gave fdoll a light spanking in the loungeroom, getting her to crawl into the bedroom where I spanked her cute, sexy ass red.. Applying a little lube I started to slip a finger inside her cunt.. Then another.. Another... Then I heard her say the words every man should hear at least once - I need your fist inside me..

Not in the mood for tease and withdrawl, I know that she needed this, so in my hand went. Urging back and forth.. Enjoying feeling her tight body wrap around my hand. I wanted so very much to fuck her there and then, to brutally force my cock into her. To cover her mouth with the hand that had just filled her cunt while she screamed in ecstacy. Perhaps another night function will return and she will get what has been a long time coming for her.

Dr Pointless and his Army Of Stupidity.

I just got back from seeing my psychiatrist and I'm feeling rather angry with the whole situation with him. He seems to only want to dose me up on medications and never really takes the time (apart from 3-4mins) during the appointment to actually ask how I'm doing.

He, quite clearly, has issue with fdoll's chosen career path. When I have pointed out that we have no money to survive on, he suggests things that are completely out of order. Last week he told me to tell her to "get a couple more clients". What the fuck? Am I meant to be her pimp now? And WHERE are these clients coming from exactly? If they don't go to the house o' pain, how the hell is she meant to relieve them of cash? This week he suggests that she give up her current job and go back to her old job to support me instead. Perhaps this guy is actually taking more of the meds than he is actually giving out.

He said that he wanted to "speak with" her today and asked that she come in for the next appointment. He then suggested another appointment for friday so that he can talk with her. Both fdoll and I are of the opinion that he is going to try to tell her that she isnt supporting me enough etc etc.

When I said that I am getting into depressions to the point of not leaving the house for, practically, days on end, he simply suggested that I admit myself into the mental ward at the nearest hospital. What the fuck?

Note to self: get a second opinion on this mother fucker.