Being a function, not a person.

I believe alcoholics call it a "moment of clarity". That defining moment in time when everything seems to be transparent. Where you see everything about a situation, or a life experience, that you are currently facing.

I've a few in my life. One where I knew I had to cut off contact with my mother for reasons I won't talk about now. Another, more recent example, was when I realised (while sat in a resturant) that I had to leave my wife.

I've just had another one.

In the company in which I work (yes, I know, I've complained about here a lot, but just hear me out), we get an annonymous survey to fill out every year. The purpose of this survey is meant to be so that the corporation can assess the happiness of its workforce and change policies accordingly. However, this company being the one it is, its never that simple.

For example, last year, they assessed one department earlier than usual. The responses where all positive (so they reported), and one week later, they sacked 1/3 of that department's workforce. Obviously the reason for the early survey was that the company knew that the reduction in headcount would lower moral and fuck up the survey results.

To point such an obvious action in this company gets you labelled with the "negative" tag, and you can kiss your career goodbye. And this is part of my issue.

I've been in this company for almost 6yrs. And got nowhere. Same pay grade as when I started. Same boring tasks 38hrs a week.

If my performance drops, they jump around and panic. If my stats exceed what they want, they claim I'm being dodgy in my work practices and demand I prove my innocence. Its patheticly unrewarding.

My manager has worked for the company for two years and has no management skills or technical ability (and for a manager of a technical team, you'd how that they had one of those two things).

So, back to my moment of clarity: I have managed to reach as far as my career will go in this company. Christ, I reached my career peak the first day I started. I've never surpassed that lowly level of pond-scum.

Even a once close friend of mine became "one of them" and started to regurgitate the same indoctinated shit that everyone else says when they can't think outside what the company tells them.

I'm one of those faceless people that "normal" people shout at. Call centre workers, cleaners, waitresses in a roadside cafe, garbage collectors.. we are all the same. We all serve a purpose and are viewed as week sub-humans that deserve no ounce of respect from our fellow man. We lead a life of mundane repetition that's leads us nowhere.

I remember a piece of street-art I saw in the city a couple of years ago. It was a simple stencil spraypainted on the ground, and it said a few simple words:

Work. Consume. Die.

How very true for some of us. I get paid to listen to complaints and people shouting and screaming at me because something the company bought on the cheap doesn't work. I then have to cope with the draconian policies and procedures the company has put in place to maximise profits, and when the customer expresses their unhappiness at this, I am rated on it. If they aren't happy with the way I explain that I can't help, the company tells me I'm not friendly enough. You point out that the system and procedures are why I could help the customer, but then you are labelled "negative". Its impossible to win.

I've realised that my life in this company is one of pointless boredom with no chance of a new challenge. I had a slight whiff of a suicidal thought cross across my mind before writing this post, but that has now passed. I think it was the realisation that for 20% of my life, I've been employed by a company that doesn't care about me, my life or my career.

I serve no purpose in my working life as long as I am surrounded by these idiots who exist behind fake smiles, corporate propaganda and a constant inability to just make a decision on their own.

I need a work/life balance. And this place just doesn't support it.

I need somewhere new. I need something exciting. I need to stop sitting around complaining and actually do it.

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