The world has opened up, I no longer have tunnel vision..

I can feel my mood is rising a little compared to yesterday's grounding. I think I've been a little stressed lately that I am not able to be the Dom that fuckdoll deserves to have. But I also thing that that feeling is mainly due my bipolar causing such a crashing blow my self-confidence.

Whenever I am in a low depression, everything feels like its my fault, I don't feel motivated to do anything and I hear my internal voice saying that eveything is going wrong because I exist. "Wouldn't it just be better if you did everyone a favour and killed yourself...?".

That's a question my bipolar asks me on a far too regular occurance.

However, today is different. Its a wonderful warm summer's day (Australia is backwards and you actually get sunburned putting up the xmas tree, something I've still not quite got used to). Me and fuckdoll walked down to our local beach for some sun-baking and I even delved into the wickedly choppy ocean for a dabble at swimming - which just ended up being a farce of me trying to not drown.

I can feel a mild sun burn on my shoulders under my tshirt and I know that it will turn a few shades darker in a couple of days. We are heading back tomorrow morning for more. But hopefully the swell will be less vicious.

This morning, after the fight with the ocean I managed to obliterate my glasses (I'm blind without them). I sat there in total panic, I couldn't focus on my fuckdoll, only sat on the other side of the table. She ran over the road from the cafe we were sat at, and got me a set of contact lenses within minutes, and my sight was restored. But, something else was too - I felt free. I could see everything. No frames giving me only clear sight when looking directly forwards. It was almost a symbolism for how fuckdoll is opening my eyes in other ways too - she just literally did it for real this morning.

(And a big thank you to the optician who donated the contact lenses without charge - you really saved my sanity)

I sit here on my 530pm lunch break (I'm beginning to detest shift work) listening to my collection of Cafe Del Mar on my trusty iPod. And I can't help but think that I want a more normal job. I used to enjoy the shift work because it gave me free time in which I could visit fuckdoll, but now that we are together all the time, its starting to piss me off. I want to spend more time with her.

Mood rating: -1.5. Not great, but relatively, I'm on cloud nine today..

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