It returns..

Is had been a long time since the darkness had overcome his personality, but he could feel it coming on. The snide remarks by backstabbing co-workers and callous emails to managers reporting "inappropriate" behaviour had pushed him over the edge.

The behaviour was anything but different. He said the word "fuck" at his desk. And since he, and all the managers, got the email singling him out, he had heard at least 8 other people say the same word a number of times within 20 minutes.

But he knew what was happening now - the darkness of the mania had started to creep in. Whispering in his ear to silence the backstabber forever with an ironic killing. Stab him in the back - literally. Pummel his back with knife strikes until the dirty, horrid personality has left this world.

But no, that would be too poetic. Too easy to read into. Too soon after the email was sent. Too obviously revenge.

So other thoughts went through his mind. A house robbery gone wrong? A mugging gone awry? All these things happen day to day and no-one bats an eyelid.

Maybe a large amount of lime could get rid of the body, but how long could that take?

Work is calling, but he doesn't want to answer. The anger is too intense. Too focussed and is begging to be unleashed upon something.. Someone.

The darkness is warm, like a blanket of nettles.

How can something that is so comforting be so painful to endure...?



---

A sunny day outside, but cloudy in my mind.

I'm spending my day at work today battling with a small rage that is simmering just below the surface of me. I hope that writing about it will either cool it off, or locate the cause(s) of the problem. Or both.

It started as soon as I got to work this morning. Yes, yes, I know I said I was going to be getting another job, but what with the economic downturn that the world has faced lately, I figured its best that I wait until after the new year and then attack the situation head on.

Obviously my issue is work-related. It certainly isn't anything at home. I actually mentioned last night to fuckdoll that its such a good feeling to be able to sit at home or in a cafe, and know that there isn't a single secret that I keep from her. Its something that in previous years, I would have had to deal with on a 24/7 basis.

The reason for that happening then was that I had to lead a second, secret life in order to get all the desires I had fulfilled (not just sexual ones). But the obvious flipside to that happening was that I had to spend all the rest of my time working out way to afford the time and money involved in running my alter ego.

Its so good now that I have everything that I need at home with my fuckdoll. Its certainly causing me to be a lot more relaxed about life.

So, back on track, what is it that I am so frustrated about? Well, there's only two things I can think of.

Firstly, I'm frustrated with myself that I've been employed by this company for 20% of my life, and I've got precisely nowhere.

Secondly, I'm frustrated with the company that I've been employed by it for 20% of my life, and I've got precisely nowhere.

Its just something that, unfortunately I inflict on you readers until I get myself into a job that doesn't feel like work all the fucking time.

Or at least somewhere that doesn't make me want to cut my wrists just to escape the downtrodden level of pondscum that I am here.

Mood status - zero. A neutral mood cos I'm in work. Ask me when I'm not here and the number will go up. When I'm here, the shitty factor brings me crashing back down to zero.

Arse.


---

Hands up, who's a dumbass? :P

I wonder sometimes if its me. I seem the common denominator when it comes to people being annoying. I'M always the one that's annoyed. Could it be, perhaps, that I just don't suffer fools gladly.

What a stupid phrase. To "suffer fools gladly". Who the fuck does? And how can you gladly suffer something. Unless of course you are a masochist. But you'd have to be one who seriously into really fucked up treatment, you know, to actually want a total moron to just hang around and annoy you.

I guess its just that people who are either horrendously inconsiderate or unfailingly idiotic just really push my buttons. I find myself witnessing the evidence of their dumbness and carefully considering what a tack hammer would look like hanging out the side of one of their temples.

But then I notice the multitude of websites around that poke fun at stupid actions of people, TV programs about stupid acts or stupid quotes of famous people (Mariah Carey's being one "when I look at a starving African child I get so mad.. I mean, I'd kill to be that thin").

So, I think to myself, if the world enjoys laughing at stupid people in society, where are the stupid people from? There are simply more dumb things done daily around the world than there seems to be dumb people.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that idiocy has got to the stupendously high levels that some dumb people don't know that they are dumb, and actively put themselves in the "normal" bracket in order to laugh at the other idiots around.

Maybe.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lock myself out of my car, and then be run over by it. Or something.

Mood today: +2, feelin goooooood..


---

Welcome home..

Yesterday was a day filled with thoughts while I was in the office. I found flashes of fantasy entering my mind's eye. Imagining watching fuckdoll lying on her back, legs wrapped around another man's waist with her hands clutching his ass as he pumps his cum inside of her. Just writing that now has sent my cock twitching to the sky.

I love the thought of sharing her around, and I hope that we can achieve that for both sides at some point in the future, but I know its not something we can rush into too quickly, a lot of stability is needed first.

I relayed this thought to fuckdoll during the day and she obviously liked the idea.

--

Later in the day, I directed her to make sure that there is a beer waiting for me, chilled and opened for when I came through the apartment door. She did just that, and more..

Coming home I walked through the door to see her kneeling before me. Her hair in a ponytail, her collar locked into its rightful place. Her top was a pink and black striped number with matching over the knee socks and her shoes that have padlocks locking them on. She looked up at me and was holding a freshly opened bottle of beer for me. Perfect.

I put down my helmet and bike jacket and took the beer, instructing her to take off my shoes and socks for me, followed by my jeans and underwear. She obviously knew what was coming when she saw that my cock was solid in such a short space of time. She started sucking me and after a few seconds, I pulled her head forward to slide my cock deep down into her throat.

Its something I've been working on with her - training her to be able to fully deep throat me, not an easy task I'd imagine with over 9inches but she copes very well. She's getting much better at it lately.

I told her to stay with me down her throat and for her to use her tongue on me at the same time. And then I removed my hands from her head. Her eyes were watering slightly as she wrapped her warm tongue around my cock, the slight gagging convulsions of her throat were squeezing my cock in a wonderful way but I knew she needed air.

Pulling out of her mouth, I instructed her to get on her knees.. I got her to reach back and hold onto the heels of her shoes and then I grabbed hold of her hair as I slid inside her soaking wet cunt. She was now just balancing on her knees, so all I had to do was pull back of her hair to slide inside her, or relax my grip to slide out a little.. Within a few thrusts, she was wincing as I thumped the end of my cock all the way into her pussy, I could feel it hitting her cervix as she started to cry a little and tell me I was hurting her. Which only made it better.

I could feel my cock harden even more and grow a little longer and thicker as I grabbed hold of her hips and pounded deeper and harder inside of her soaking wet cunt. Her animal growls heightening as I was reaching orgasm. I grabbed hold tighter and thrust into her, physically unable to go deeper as I came the hardest I have for the last few days.

After regaining my breath, I was unlocking her shoes and noticed large drops of my cum leaking out of her onto the wooden floor. I instructed her to kneel down and lick it up.

What a wonderful fucking sight.

---

Being a function, not a person.

I believe alcoholics call it a "moment of clarity". That defining moment in time when everything seems to be transparent. Where you see everything about a situation, or a life experience, that you are currently facing.

I've a few in my life. One where I knew I had to cut off contact with my mother for reasons I won't talk about now. Another, more recent example, was when I realised (while sat in a resturant) that I had to leave my wife.

I've just had another one.

In the company in which I work (yes, I know, I've complained about here a lot, but just hear me out), we get an annonymous survey to fill out every year. The purpose of this survey is meant to be so that the corporation can assess the happiness of its workforce and change policies accordingly. However, this company being the one it is, its never that simple.

For example, last year, they assessed one department earlier than usual. The responses where all positive (so they reported), and one week later, they sacked 1/3 of that department's workforce. Obviously the reason for the early survey was that the company knew that the reduction in headcount would lower moral and fuck up the survey results.

To point such an obvious action in this company gets you labelled with the "negative" tag, and you can kiss your career goodbye. And this is part of my issue.

I've been in this company for almost 6yrs. And got nowhere. Same pay grade as when I started. Same boring tasks 38hrs a week.

If my performance drops, they jump around and panic. If my stats exceed what they want, they claim I'm being dodgy in my work practices and demand I prove my innocence. Its patheticly unrewarding.

My manager has worked for the company for two years and has no management skills or technical ability (and for a manager of a technical team, you'd how that they had one of those two things).

So, back to my moment of clarity: I have managed to reach as far as my career will go in this company. Christ, I reached my career peak the first day I started. I've never surpassed that lowly level of pond-scum.

Even a once close friend of mine became "one of them" and started to regurgitate the same indoctinated shit that everyone else says when they can't think outside what the company tells them.

I'm one of those faceless people that "normal" people shout at. Call centre workers, cleaners, waitresses in a roadside cafe, garbage collectors.. we are all the same. We all serve a purpose and are viewed as week sub-humans that deserve no ounce of respect from our fellow man. We lead a life of mundane repetition that's leads us nowhere.

I remember a piece of street-art I saw in the city a couple of years ago. It was a simple stencil spraypainted on the ground, and it said a few simple words:

Work. Consume. Die.

How very true for some of us. I get paid to listen to complaints and people shouting and screaming at me because something the company bought on the cheap doesn't work. I then have to cope with the draconian policies and procedures the company has put in place to maximise profits, and when the customer expresses their unhappiness at this, I am rated on it. If they aren't happy with the way I explain that I can't help, the company tells me I'm not friendly enough. You point out that the system and procedures are why I could help the customer, but then you are labelled "negative". Its impossible to win.

I've realised that my life in this company is one of pointless boredom with no chance of a new challenge. I had a slight whiff of a suicidal thought cross across my mind before writing this post, but that has now passed. I think it was the realisation that for 20% of my life, I've been employed by a company that doesn't care about me, my life or my career.

I serve no purpose in my working life as long as I am surrounded by these idiots who exist behind fake smiles, corporate propaganda and a constant inability to just make a decision on their own.

I need a work/life balance. And this place just doesn't support it.

I need somewhere new. I need something exciting. I need to stop sitting around complaining and actually do it.

---

The world has opened up, I no longer have tunnel vision..

I can feel my mood is rising a little compared to yesterday's grounding. I think I've been a little stressed lately that I am not able to be the Dom that fuckdoll deserves to have. But I also thing that that feeling is mainly due my bipolar causing such a crashing blow my self-confidence.

Whenever I am in a low depression, everything feels like its my fault, I don't feel motivated to do anything and I hear my internal voice saying that eveything is going wrong because I exist. "Wouldn't it just be better if you did everyone a favour and killed yourself...?".

That's a question my bipolar asks me on a far too regular occurance.

However, today is different. Its a wonderful warm summer's day (Australia is backwards and you actually get sunburned putting up the xmas tree, something I've still not quite got used to). Me and fuckdoll walked down to our local beach for some sun-baking and I even delved into the wickedly choppy ocean for a dabble at swimming - which just ended up being a farce of me trying to not drown.

I can feel a mild sun burn on my shoulders under my tshirt and I know that it will turn a few shades darker in a couple of days. We are heading back tomorrow morning for more. But hopefully the swell will be less vicious.

This morning, after the fight with the ocean I managed to obliterate my glasses (I'm blind without them). I sat there in total panic, I couldn't focus on my fuckdoll, only sat on the other side of the table. She ran over the road from the cafe we were sat at, and got me a set of contact lenses within minutes, and my sight was restored. But, something else was too - I felt free. I could see everything. No frames giving me only clear sight when looking directly forwards. It was almost a symbolism for how fuckdoll is opening my eyes in other ways too - she just literally did it for real this morning.

(And a big thank you to the optician who donated the contact lenses without charge - you really saved my sanity)

I sit here on my 530pm lunch break (I'm beginning to detest shift work) listening to my collection of Cafe Del Mar on my trusty iPod. And I can't help but think that I want a more normal job. I used to enjoy the shift work because it gave me free time in which I could visit fuckdoll, but now that we are together all the time, its starting to piss me off. I want to spend more time with her.

Mood rating: -1.5. Not great, but relatively, I'm on cloud nine today..

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