It'll buff out.

I had a truly amazing night's sleep last night - and, I might add, some of today as well. The sleep-inducing anti-psychotics that the hospital gave me worked a treat. 15mins after taking one, I was out like a light.

10 or maybe 11 hours later I woke up again, feeling VERY groggy! I honestly can't remember easily the last time that I actually slept through an entire night without waking up. I even had an afternoon nap (not after taking any tablets mind you) so perhaps my body and mind are getting some rest from the near three decades of hyper-alertness.

I'm really looking forward to being able to conquer this beast as much as I can so, if for nothing else, I can return to caning and/or flogging fdoll on a nightly (hourly?) basis.

I'm going to also, hopefully, be taking these three months off to achieve two things. Firstly, I seriously need to get fitter. I'm not completely out of shape at the moment, but I'm certainly not in a cut physical condition like I used to be a few years back. So that will be getting some attention from me. If I'm successful and actually pull this off, I'll even put before and after shots on this site, so you guys get to see what I look like. I'm sure you all have ideas, maybe comment and say if this is something you'd like me to do?

Secondly, I'm hoping that I can find something (or start to find something) to enable me to work without being in a regular job. I don't need to be rich, but I do need to be able to be rich in life.

Anyway, fdoll is now sleeping next to me - her cute little breathing patterns are something I can watch for hours. But I really should be getting some sleep. Big day of nothing but self-indulgence ahead for me tomorrow. I better get used to it - it's going to be like this until at least August.

Just got back from the appointment

Well, just got back from the first appointment with the acute care team doctor who was a nice woman.

I'll be going into more appointments in the near future to sort out what medications I need to take. There may possibly be a short hospital stay in the future while they trial a few different things, but that's ok with me.

Meanwhile, they have provided me with a illness certificate for the next three months. So I will be at least away from the working world until August, which allows me some time to focus on me. And that's something I've never actually done - despite saying I will.

Many more updates to come regarding all the happenings with stabilising myself out, and hopefully - with 3 months of dedicated exercise - a more buff, sane me.

Here's to life. May I finally be successful in experiencing it.

The cusp of a breakdown..

Bit more a regular update from me - and, for a while at least, they'll be a lot more regular. After my anxiety breakdown on wednesday, I explained to fdoll just how I've actually been feeling lately; just how intense the depressions have been getting, and how often. How regular the suicidal thoughts are lately, and also I told her (as the first person I've ever told) about my constant fear and, I suppose, paranoia that someone (or a group) are occasionally following me to possibly even attack me.

I even feel kind of stupid writing that here. I mean, I'm not always thinking that, but occasionally I'll put in a bit of an anti-surveillance driving path if a car has been behind me for a few too many kilometres.

All of this has taken it's toll, so, fdoll took me, in tears, to see my GP doctor. He called the local hospital's acute care team who came out that afternoon to assess me. Mainly because of the suicidal thoughts I have.

It's now been suggested that I need some serious medical help. The two lovely people from the acute care team also agreed that I need to take some time away from work.

Which leads me to today - I had a blood test this morning to check my levels of the medications I'm currently taking to make sure that they are actually doing something for me. I'm also most likely going to have to take some form of anti-depressent to get me out of this slump. And also an anti-psychotic to control the paranoia and suicidal thoughts. All this will be discussed later this afternoon when I go to the hospital to see a psychiatrist attached to the acute care team.

The other thing we did today was to get forms from the department that deals with support for unemployed, old age pensions and (for me) disability payments. Quite simply, I'm unable to work for quite some time until I can get myself in a calmer and stable frame of mind.

Fdoll is sat with me at the moment, attempting to fill out the mass amount of forms required for these payments. I am even feeling my anxiety levels rise just seeing all the boxes. I'm focussing on writing here instead, but in the corner of my eye I can see the paper with all the questions. So many fucking questions. So many pages.

I don't know what I'd do without her. Scratch that - I know exactly what I'd do.

Mission Aborted: Return To Base.

Today has not been a very good day. It’s only 9am and I’ve already had a total meltdown. I arrived at that mailroom job that I was telling you guys about at 7:30 this morning, but I had been battling with a serious level of depression all morning. I made certain that I took my medications this morning, because I knew that it wasn’t going to be a fun day.

I awoke this morning with a level of dread more intense than before - I simply didn’t want to have to deal with members of the public today. Well, let me clarify that, I can be ok around people - the problems occur when I have to interact with any of them. I don’t mean that to sound as aloof as it does, it’s not that I see myself as superior in any way, I just feel that if I have to engage with anyone, it’s only a matter of time before they see my mask of normality is slipping and they see the wounded, depressed person that I really am.

So, there I was, in work and I was starting to feel the start of a major anxiety attack coming on. From what, I simply couldn’t say - I hadn’t, at that point, actually done anything apart from sort out newspapers into some plastic trays. I knew at that moment that I couldn’t stay today. I needed to escape. I called my manager (I am the only one in that time) and explained that I had a migraine - no need to explain that depression and anxiety are such a big part of my life - and she was more than willing to let me leave for the day.

I evacuated the building and, indeed, the suburb (about 10-15mins north of Sydney city by suburban train). And dived on the first train service south. At the station just north of the harbour I started to feel panicked again, and had to jump off the train. Overall, that wasn’t too much of a bad thing - it allowed me to have a 20min walk over the Sydney harbour bridge to clear my head somewhat.

After that, we get to where I am currently sat now - in a café in the financial district of the city. The kind of place where someone in a shirt with a Blackberry and a netbook computer (like me at the moment) fit in well. Hiding in plain sight. I look around at the men around me - most in expensive-looking suits and being followed by a herd of “yes men” nodding to their every utterance and I think to myself - am I made to fit into a working world?

For that matter, is anyone? I read this morning that the long hours that people are working are causing a great deal of health problems. And, do we really need to work that much? What do we get out of it? A Porsche perhaps? That’s over AU$300,000. that’s 6-7 years wages for some people. Do you really need a car that cost the same as an apartment? If yes - why?

Some people want to work hard to get higher in a corporation and have power and control. But then I realise something - they only have the power and control over those in the same company (or with links to that company). They have completely zero control over other strangers.

I am not completely certain why I went off on that tangent - but I’ll leave it in the post. Maybe I’ll come back to it later and it’ll make sense another day.

Fdoll is still at home sleeping. I let her sleep in this morning for a few reasons. Firstly, she’s on a late shift at work tonight (starting at 4pm). Secondly, she looked really cute. And lastly, because I just didn’t have the energy to hide how down I was feeling this morning. I know that may sound a little dishonest, but I just don’t want her to always see just how depressed I am some days. She hasw enough problems dealing with me most of the time anyway, and seeing me almost at the point of suicidal thoughts isn’t exactly a great thing to see in your partner before they head off to work and you wont see them for another 17-18 hours.

So, I’ve spent 30mins or so writing this post.. I’m just going to upload it and head home again to snuggle up to my girl. She really is a saint.

I can see Mel Gibson. And he looks PISSED.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my illness. Well, my disability (for that really is what it is). And I've come to the conclusion that I really need to take control of the situation. But working isn't helping matters at the moment. Even though I've managed to land myself a temp job in a mailroom (of all places) I just keep being hit with a dose of massive depression and suicidal thoughts practically every morning. Having to then commute and also deal with a work environment where I have no real choice but to interact with others constantly is wearing me down.

I try my best everyday, even religiously taking my 1000mg a day of sodium valproate and 3600mg per day of St Johns Wart (recommended by a few different people), but it's getting to be too common. The reason I have to work full-time at the moment is that I have a massive debt that I've somehow become responsible from when I left my ex. It's over $200 a week which goes to, well, nowhere. But it's the reason I have to work. Going off an average wage, that means two days a week is spent working to pay off a debt that I didn't actually accumulate. Frankly, that's fucked.

So, after some research and talking it all over with fdoll - I'm considering filing for bankruptcy. I know that there's a stigma attached to that, and it also means I can't apply for any credit for 7 years (in this country) but, when you think about it, I've got a fucking massive debt hanging over me for the next 5 years anyway. And during that time I couldn't afford any more credit/debt anyway. It would also mean that I could reduce the amount of time I need to work each week (perhaps even going onto a disability payment for a short space of time in order to get myself into a good treatment program and hopefully tame this beast that I have to live with.

I feel that my grip on fun is slipping. I so desperately want to cane and/or flog my little slut every night, but I find that I just don't have the energy to do anything really after dealing with a working day. The anxiety attacks are getting harder to control/hide from people, and I can almost see a manic or depressive breakdown on the horizon like Mad Max thundering towards me in that loud-ass car that he drives. I need to take control of my financial life, to then allow me to control my emotional life a bit more. Hopefully, that way, I can throw some road spikes in front of Mad Max and halt the enevitable from happening.

I'll let you guys know how I go with it all.

As always, even if I don't say it, thanks for reading and supporting me with all this.

The devil doesn't always wear Prada..

..sometimes she's an English ex-pat with wirey hair and a face that looks like she's been licking a cat's ass...

Wow, a lot has happened since my last post to you guys. The new job I was in turned into a complete nightmare, with the all-female team being all-bitches too. I was shunned from the team area to work in a non-related, menial job role that drove me insane.

My bipolar was disclosed to my she-devil manager by someone I confided in (my error, I need to trust no-one in the outside world). The result of that was a sudden complete downturn in the company's attitude towards me. They, obviously, avoided naming a mental disorder as the actual reason for wanting me gone, but they instead said that I wasn't performing well enough in the role that I was employed for (and still wasn't actually doing, as they had me located elsewhere).

I complained to HR who then joined forces with my manager and spent practically everyday giving me the shits. I was depressed every morning. I hated life and had no motivation. Again. Just like the last fucking job.

So, I chatted with fdoll and decided to control when I left the company, and on what grounds. I sent an email out and resigned on the spot.

Fuck em. They deserve to have nothing more in their lives than to endure the rotting stench of the arrogance they so willing bath in. (Wow, that was a harsh thing to spit out. Yet true all the same).

So, I'm kinda doing temp work here and there until I can figure out what I actually want to do with my life. Maybe a job that can give me some free time to study perhaps? I need to do something with my life to quench this constant need I have to make those around me, proud of the person that I am.



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