The cusp of a breakdown..

Bit more a regular update from me - and, for a while at least, they'll be a lot more regular. After my anxiety breakdown on wednesday, I explained to fdoll just how I've actually been feeling lately; just how intense the depressions have been getting, and how often. How regular the suicidal thoughts are lately, and also I told her (as the first person I've ever told) about my constant fear and, I suppose, paranoia that someone (or a group) are occasionally following me to possibly even attack me.

I even feel kind of stupid writing that here. I mean, I'm not always thinking that, but occasionally I'll put in a bit of an anti-surveillance driving path if a car has been behind me for a few too many kilometres.

All of this has taken it's toll, so, fdoll took me, in tears, to see my GP doctor. He called the local hospital's acute care team who came out that afternoon to assess me. Mainly because of the suicidal thoughts I have.

It's now been suggested that I need some serious medical help. The two lovely people from the acute care team also agreed that I need to take some time away from work.

Which leads me to today - I had a blood test this morning to check my levels of the medications I'm currently taking to make sure that they are actually doing something for me. I'm also most likely going to have to take some form of anti-depressent to get me out of this slump. And also an anti-psychotic to control the paranoia and suicidal thoughts. All this will be discussed later this afternoon when I go to the hospital to see a psychiatrist attached to the acute care team.

The other thing we did today was to get forms from the department that deals with support for unemployed, old age pensions and (for me) disability payments. Quite simply, I'm unable to work for quite some time until I can get myself in a calmer and stable frame of mind.

Fdoll is sat with me at the moment, attempting to fill out the mass amount of forms required for these payments. I am even feeling my anxiety levels rise just seeing all the boxes. I'm focussing on writing here instead, but in the corner of my eye I can see the paper with all the questions. So many fucking questions. So many pages.

I don't know what I'd do without her. Scratch that - I know exactly what I'd do.