I hope that this picture is accurate.

I went to the government dept today with fdoll to sort out getting my payments and also a final assessment to see how long they dont want me in work for. I met with their psychologist who had looked over my case briefly and double checked a few things with me and said that I probably need to stay away from work until at least November.

Sounds great, and you'd think that I would be relieved to get that news. But, as it seems to be the case lately, for everything good, something bad always comes along to fill the void. They want to pay me less than $10 a day. That includes a "rent assist" program where they help me pay my half of the $450 a week rent that myself and fdoll have.

The worst part of all of this is that fdoll broke down in tears. I know just how hard the stress must be for her to cope with me in the position that we are in, and I really wish that I could just get rid of all the problems instantly so that she can smile. But, unfortunately, reality just isn't like that. I've never really understood why some people are blessed in this life, and others just get fucked. It's just simply not fair.

Seeing her in such a bad way made me pause and question whether or not I should just go back to work. I mean, I've been able to just hold it all in for this long - why not just toughen the fuck up and get back in there? But there's something nagging away in the back of my mind - I know that if I went back to work, my situation would get worse. I know that this pressure that we are currently under would pale in comparison to the depression that I would face if I went into the working world so soon. So I do need to take just a little more time off, at least in the short term.

I have, however, decided upon my project to do during this time off - I'm going to write an auto-biography. I think that it's about time that I face up to all my inner-demons and my past, my whole past, and write it all down. It could certainly help with dealing with the emotions and issues that are all built up inside me.

The other thing that is driving me insane today is a friend of ours is getting to the point where I feel a rage growing to stab him because he keeps calling and calling me, asking me to go over to his house to play computer games (he's 10 years older than me) when he knows that I have other things to do. He's called 11 times today alone. I've had to turn off my Blackberry just to get some alone time with my thoughts. Right now, I just need to have some silence with my emotions.. I need to be able to cry, to let out the depression - I've learned that keeping it bottled up just makes it worse.