I've used a great program to 'mindmap' (it's free from here if you are interested), and managed to set out pretty much my whole life into sections and subsections. I've wrote about the very early times but for some reason I just can't seem to keep going past those first formative years of my life. I'm not certain if it's because the topics are quite hard for me to still deal with, or perhaps it's because I feel that I can't write about things in the autobiography format as easily as I find writing in blog format.
In fact, perhaps that's it. I feel that I am in a therapy session with a great listener when I am in blogging mode and feel that I don't get judged in whatever I say. Certainly I've managed to cross a lot of boundaries in this blog with my thoughts that I honestly don't think that I could have done in any verbal way previously. Even now, I still get shy talking about some aspects of sex with fdoll.
I was just about to start a chapter in my book about porn and my fucked up relationship with it. I opened up MS Word and saved the blank page as the title, but just couldn't manage to start writing. I want to write about how I had porn thrust upon me early on (both in magazine and video format before I was 10 years old) but I just couldn't manage to write. I just seem to clam up and can't do it.
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Changing the subject for the moment, my psychiatrist has changed the anti-psychotic medication that I'm taking due to it causing a significant lack of erections. Apparently the one I'm on now - even though it's a much bigger dosage - doesn't have those same side-effects. Today seemed to be a good sign as we had some good sex followed by a good throatfucking for fdoll in a second session an hour or so later (unheard of as of late).
fdoll has commented that she wants to have a threesome with a female friend of ours who we have played with before, and the idea has certainly bounced around my head more than once, knowing that fdoll is interested in it. Unfortunately, I've been so upset with not being able to get hard or be able to stay hard, I've not really been interested in the idea. No point in going to a concert if you are deaf, is there?
But now that things seem to be going a little bit better, I'm hoping that things will be working more regularly and I can really get back to writing some filth in this blog - even I am getting a bit "bleah" with the lack of sex in these pages.
Until next time ;)
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